One Night With the Squid
by The Cheshire Cheese
Summary: Tonks never told anyone how she lost her virginity. It was her final year at Hogwarts, she was experimenting with her shape-shifting abilities, and she decided to go for a swim... (MATURE CONTENT, Tonks/Giant Squid)


**A/N: Books or movies, imagine this however you want; it's not set in any particular reality. While I did do some research, this is a parody, and isn't meant to be too accurate. **

**WARNING: Sexual content, of an arguably depraved sort. **

**I do not own "Harry Potter" (and thank God for that).**

* * *

Nymphadora Tonks never told anyone how she lost her virginity. It was her last year at Hogwarts, and she was seventeen years old. It was May of 1991. It was four days before graduation, the sky was streaked with pink rays of the sunset, and Tonks was exploring the lake in mermaid form…

Ever since Professor Sprout had rejected Tonks' application to become a Hufflepuff prefect, Tonks had devoted her free time to perfecting her natural Metamorphmegus abilities. By now she could change her face, hair, and height with virtually no effort. Lately, she had been practicing with animal features. She'd reached a point where she could entertain friends at meals by giving herself a pig's snout or a duck beak. She'd even begun to grow tails (golden retriever and lion were the easiest; crocodile and pony were harder; stegosaurus was a downright bitch). What Tonks wanted to find out tonight was, could she do a mermaid tail? She could sprout a fish tail from her rump easily enough, sure; but could she fuse her legs into an entire siren's tale, from the waist down, just like Ariel?

Obviously, she would need water for this experiment. She'd tried sneaking into the prefect bathrooms, onto to find a gay orgy underway involving many of the most ripped Quidditch players. Once, long ago, Tonks had found such a thing quite hot; but you can only watch hot sweaty Hogwarts blokes snog each other so many times before it just came predictable and tedious. The dashing Quiddich seeker would always coax his dopey best friend into a bubble bath, and they'd wind up confession their untold love; then some Slytherin bully would show up and start a brawl with them, which always ended in a make-out session; and meanwhile, a few bathtubs away, the tall handsome prefect who all the girls wanted would be giving the nerdy loner boy advice on how to impress a girl, and the rest would be history…

No, Tonks had had her fill of that. She wanted to be alone, with a clear mind, and no distractions. Besides, what better place to be a mermaid than a large pond of natural-water? Rumor had it the lake actually contained real merfolk at the bottom.

Tonks stood alone on the shores of the lake. Everyone else was either at dinner, or at the orgy. Her hair was chin-length and blue—for the moment. She changed it most every day. Looking at her reflection in the water, she decided, what the hell, why not go for a more punk-look. Her hair rose up into spikes, and faded into a bubblegum pink. There was something iconic about the look. She liked it.

She unclipped her overalls (it was the '90s, remember) and let them drop to her ankles, revealing her purple bikini bottom. She peeled off her Weird Sisters T-shrit, stripping down to her bikini top. She hesitated, and then undid the bottom half of her bikini. She saw that the area she and her girlfriends referred to in public as "the Forbidden Forest" had taken on a pink hue, just like the hair on her head; but, mercifully, it wasn't spiky.

Tonks strode forward into the lake, until it was deep enough that she needed to float. She rolled onto her back and concentrated. She shut her eyes, concentrating, until she felt the scales pop up onto her thighs. Her toes stretched out, and she soon felt a fin flapping in the water. She opened her eyes. From the waist down was a perfect mermaid tale, the same huge of pink as her hair. Tonks laughed and did a back-flip into the water.

Tonks lost all sense of time as she explored the lake. It was like a whole other world, a second Forbidden Forest. She wove through a maze of strange plants and odd rock formations, passing fish and stingrays. She wondered when she'd run into the real merfolk, or the Giant Squid.

She stopped and jumped (or bobbed), having found herself on the wrong end of a spear.

She'd found the merfolk.

She was surrounded by them. They had grayish skin, and long dark-green hair. Their eyes and teeth were the same shade of yellow. Their hair, necks and arms were adorned with odd stones, animal bones, and random objects that humans had lost and sunk to the bottom of the lake. All in all, they reminded Tonks of many of her favorite musicians.

"Wotcher!" she greeted them eagerly. "My name's Tonks. No, you don't get my first name. You'd understand, if your fool mother had named you—"

"You are not a lake mermaid!" The merman pointing the spear at her hissed. "You look like an ocean siren!"

"Ah, well, about that. See, I'm not really a—"

"Where is your passport?"

"What?"

"We don't just let any foreign mer-schmuck waltz into our lake, and make herself at home! You have to prove your commitment to become a citizen of the Lake!"

"Really, I was just passing through. I didn't realize this was private property."

"The penalty for trespassing is death!" the merman bellowed.

This was a much harsher greeting than Tonks was prepared for.

"Death? I—but I didn't—no! I can't die now, not right when I'm about to graduate! I'm just about to start my life, I've never even set foot in the real world! I've never had children, I've never married, I've still got an un-popped cherry!" Gazing down at her pink fishtail, she added, "Er, somewhere…"

The mermaid cocked his head at her. "Did you say that you were a virgin?"

"…Yes?"

Whispers erupted amongst the merfolk.

The next thing Tonks knew, she was being fastened to a stone column. They bound her wrists with seaweed rope, and yanked her arms high over her head. All in all, not much different than what she and her most recent ex boyfriend had done every other Wednesday night.

"So, question about this whole 'virgin sacrifice' thing," Tonks said offhandedly. "Why does it always have to be a virgin? What does the monster care, if it's just gonna eat her anyway?"

From across the lake, a low voice rumbled, "_I _will not be eating _you_..."

Tonks' dark eyes widened, as a red tentacle creapt over the rocky hills, followed by a second, and a third….

"…you…and I…shall be eating…lobster!"

Tonks screamed as a tentacle wrapped itself around her waist. A second curled up her arm, tightening at her wrist. Two more crisscrossed over her pink mermaid tail. Tonks fought to shake the tentacles off, but their suction cups had become one with her skin and scales. A fifth tentacle lifted a baseball-bat-sized nail-clipper to her seaweed-rope bonds, and snipped them clean, allowing the squid to pluck his prize from the column.

Tonks screamed as she was pulled tail-first across the lake. It was not unlike several of the rides at Wisconsin Dells, but with more bondage. The squid pulled her down through a hole in the rocks, down into a dark grotto. He dropped her into a stone chair, at a primitive rock table. The cave was dimly light by growing red snails that clung to the walls. At this point, Tonks was still screaming her fool head off, but this ceased as soon as she realized what was in front of her.

"Is that lobster?"

"Only the finest," her host assured her.

The Giant Squid emerged from the shadows. He was impeccably dressed, in a twelve-armed tuxedo and a top hat. He spoke in a low, Scottish accented voice that sounded remarkably like Sean Connery. "You must forgive my lack of experience; I have not had a virgin sacrifice sent my way in seven hundred years. My skills on all things romantic are rusty at best."

"Mmm," Tonks was half-listening, noshing away at the lobster. "Cool story mate. Is there a sequel?"

"In fact, there just might be…."

The red glowing snails that light the cave suddenly changed in hue, and began flashing Disco colors around the cavern. A blowfish descended from the ceiling, flashing lights and rotating like a Disco ball. Low, serene music started up, and the snails began to sing the chorus of _Saturday Night Fever's_ "More Than a Woman."

The squid extended a tentacle across the table. "Might I have this dance, Madame?"

Tonks wiped her face with the back of her hand, and emitted a short belch. Did she want to take this chance? Her line of past relationships had been one train-wreck after another…so what more could a one-night-stand with the Giant Squid hurt? Tonks reached out and accepted the tentacle.

The next think Tonks knew, she and the Squid were twirling about the cave like Beauty and the Beast. They even reenacted the famous trailer-shot, with the blowfish Disco ball replacing the chandelier. They spiraled up out of the grotto hole, and up into the open water. The entire lake was their dance floor. They played hide-and-seek in the forests of underwater plants, and laughed as they rode on the backs of giant unicorn sea-horses. They skidded across the lake's surface, the squid holding Tonks in front of him with his tentacles, reenacting the famous scene from "Titanic" a good six years before it was released in theaters.

"I'm flying Squid!" Tonks cried. "I'm flying!"

Later that night, they both lay at the bottom of the lake, staring up at the night sky through the water.

"Miss Bronks," the Squid began.

"Tonks," she corrected him.

"I do not believe it proper for a gentleman to request copulation on a first date. But seeing as you humans live such short lives, I fear that if we do not act soon, we may regret not living when we had the chance."

"You make a good point Squid." Tonks said. "I've been waiting a long time to get rid of this annoying virginity. You have my solid and undivided permission to give it to me."

"Give what to you?"

"You—you know…"

"What, this?"

The squid ran a tentacle up her fishtail, snaking onward up her bare torso. The tentacle's suction cups locked into Tonk's bikini, and swiftly removed it. One tentacle curled around her breasts, engulfing each nipple in a suction cup. Tonks gasped in ecstasy.

"No-no, not that," she said, answering his question.

Another tentacle came around her waist, and dove into her bellybutton.

"_This_?"

Tonks squealed with glee. "No, that neighed."

"_THIS_?"

The next tentacle stabbed Tonks in the fishtail. Its force broke through the Metamorphmegus magic, splitting it back into two human legs, which were forced far apart by the tentacle's mass. The feeling was absolutely indescribable, and the author will now describe it: it was squishy, yet hard, and somehow fit into her like a glove. Tonks felt the ripples of ecstasy role through her body. Her arms flailed as she searched for something to grab into, to steady herself. The Squid seized her wrists with his extra tentacles, and did the same with her ankles, providing the needed leverage.

And then, Tonks got an idea. She focused her mind, using the same mental technique she normally used to grow herself a tail. But this time she was growing no tail. A purple, octopusian tentacle erupted from her back. Another grew from her side, and another still from the other. The Giant Squid was so shocked that he almost pulled out of her, but she seized him with her tentacles and prevented him. Before long, none of Tonks' human features were left, and the Squid was left with a giant purple octopus to pleasure.

"Hang on," Tonks' voice echoed from the octopus. "I'm shape-shifting something special for you…!"

"But—but I didn't ask for—_OOOOWHOOOOOOOOO!_"

The fuck lasted many more minutes, the Squid and the octopus both refusing to withdraw until each of them was satisfied…

* * *

The entire next morning, Tonks felt like she was in a dream. She'd done it! She'd lost her virginity! And she had a perfect new boyfriend! Someone who was an outsider, like herself. Who stood out, and didn't fit it. A man who was a gentleman, who knew what a dinner jacket was, who knew how to treat a lady! She eagerly awaited the owl he'd promised to send her that morning.

When lunchtime came, and with it no owl, Tonks began to fret.

"Something wrong Tonks?" her friend Leona Feathertop asked.

Tonks shook her head. "It's nothing. I just overreact sometimes. You know how it is, when you meet a great guy, and—" Tonks stopped, staring out the window, behind her friend.

Leona turned, confused.

"THAT DIRTY RAT!" Tonks exclaimed, making everyone at the table jump.

She ran to the window, pressing her hands against the glass.

Down below was the Squid, and with him was that hussy of a French exchange student, Francoise Delacour. Francoise splashed in the water, seemingly unable to decided whether she wanted to scream or giggle, as the Squid's tentacles engulfed her.

"That's does it!" Tonks screamed. "I'm done with men! _Through_! They're pigs, the whole damned lot of them!"

As Tonks stormed out of the dining hall, she knew that she didn't really mean it. She still had a lot of living to do, and there were a lot of fish in the sea. But she would be damned if she would ever let a spiffy top-hat or lobster on a first date hoodwink her into thinking a guy was worth her time.

FIN.

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**A/N: I have positively no idea why I wrote this. I worked a double-shift today, and had absolutely no mental energy to do anything with my "real" stories. As soon as this idea entered my head, I couldn't rest until it had been written. **


End file.
